Character traits I want to see in a movie -

1. Someone who scored a 100 on their driving test and loves to remind people of that fact
2. Someone who, as a child, once jerked off and then held his hand over a toaster because he thought it was wrong and he needed to punish himself.
3. Someone who between the ages of 14 and 22: used a velcro wallet & had Michael Jordan's "#23" shaved into the back of his head for each of the Bulls' 6 championships with MJ

Top Things I Want to Do In My Life -

1. Yell "Live from New York, it's Saturday night!"

2. Sleep in the Lincoln bedroom

3. Have a stranger say "Hey, you're (insert my name), aren't you? I read about you, congratulations!"

4. Hear "And the Oscar goes to (insert my name.)"

What I don't want to hear during the course of my lifetime -

1. Sir, can you please put your pants back on.

2. We, the jury, find the defendant guilty.

3. Sorry, the Governor has denied your request

T-shirt slogan idea:

"Suck it, World!"