Things that terrify me:

1. Going to prison
2. Those child soldiers in Africa
3. Being shoved off a ledge
   
4. The Janjaweed
   

People I'm least likely to hang out with in Heaven

1. David Koresh - Guessing all Branch Dividians go to Heaven, afterall they are believers
2. Robert E. Lee - Always thought he was a traitor
3. Timothy O'Leary - I don't want to do acid in Heaven, freak out at the heights, and I'm sure that is all O'Leary does.
4. "Big Bopper" - I just wouldn't recognize him
   
5. Gerald Ford - I don't get the appeal.
   

I swear to GOD i am going to even things out

I want to torture the father from ALF

For all the talk of closing GITMO, and the evils of waterboarding, I think it's important to also focus on the people you WOULD like to torture. I would like to start with the father from ALF. Can you imagine what a special episode it would be if it began with ALF trying to chase and eat the family cat, but he's suddenly interrupted by a knock on the door. When the father comes down to answer, since nobody can ever know ALF is there, he looks through the peephole and sees a man with a pillowcase over his head as the door gets kicked in to his face. Then for the next ten minutes we are entertained as this man ties up the family and makes them watch as he removes the father's teeth with a pliars and an exacto knife. Occasionally, he will scream for mercy and beg for it to end. The camera would pan over to ALF hiding under the couch, unwilling to come out and blow his cover. Then the masked guest would tape Willy giving a forced confession, which the writers really never get into, because it's only a 30 minute episode, and then slice off his head with a hatchet. Hilarity ensues as the family is released and has to deal with the awkward aftermath of explaining to the neighbors why there are pictures posted all over town of Willy's head next to a lamp on the coffee table, all the while hiding the fact that there is an Alien living in their attic.

Bold. Visionary. Topical.

Things you don't want to get the business end of

1. A nightstick

2. Rhino horn 

3. The IRS

4. A subpoena

5. blowtorch

Companies you won't see advertise during the Super Bowl

1. Halliburton

2. NAMBLA

3. NORML (even though marijuana laws are stupid)

4. New York Ramblers  (they'll be busy that day)

Jobs that should be done by a Robot

1) ticket taker -- any ticket taker anywhere

2) Secretary of HUD

3) office manager

4) percussionists

5) traffic cops